Racism and Me: Part 1

It's hard to know what to say, when to be silent, and how to even begin thinking about everything in front of us the past month. It's messy and murky. Wading into it, especially publicly, feels intimidating, like I'm bound to trip all over myself. 

But for some reason, I can’t shake the feeling that I have to say something—even if it falls short or fails to meet expectations. Continuing to post about what our family is up to, while ignoring what’s been weighing on our hearts and minds feels incongruent to the way I’ve committed to using social media. My heart, especially when coming back to the platform, is to share our real life happenings—the wins and not wins, the wrestlings and workings. 

And this, this is a big wrestling. 

I've spent the last weeks muted, reading, praying, and seeking out voices different than my own. I've said dumb things and thought worse things, but I try my darnedest each day to follow that line you’ll remember, "Love your neighbor as yourself."

It seems easy. But as sin drowns my heart I have to commit myself to that commandment anew. Daily. By the minute. And thank God He is full of mercy.

I fight pride. Thinking I deserve my life and am entitled to it because of the choices I've made and the work I've done. "No, Kaylee," the Lord says in the quiet. "It is only through my work and the grace I've bestowed on you that you've been trusted to steward this life. Get busy. You have work to do."

I fight control. They call it unrest for a reason. "Rest" is far from what we've experienced in 2020. Change is coming. And as much as I want to know what it is and how it’s going to affect my own life, I have to remind myself it's not about me. It never has been.

I fight fear. But of what? Losing privilege? Losing comfort? Losing position? My family's safety? That all needs to be surrendered. We know how this battle and every battle after will ultimately end. With every knee bowed and every tongue having confessed that Jesus is Lord. 

The time to end racism—against all colors—was yesterday. 

The time to end discrimination, was yesterday.

And the time to wage war against the sin that ensnares all of our hearts is EVERYDAY. 

I might sound like a downer, but this side of heaven y’all, sin will continue to exist. 

And racism is and always will be a sin issue. But when sin is brought to light, Christians, we must repent. 

And repenting doesn’t mean embodying a worldly grief or righteous anger that accomplishes nothing, and it doesn’t mean doing something that checks off a box or makes us feel better. Repenting means turning from our past ways--it means a radical change of heart and behavior. 

If more of us “Christians” truly repented of our sin, wouldn’t racism’s hold, especially the racism plaguing the church be exposed and begin to be healed?

Sin grieves the heart of God. And if we’re seeking after his heart, y’all, it should grieve us too. 

Now is the time for lament. 

Latasha Morrison says,

In order to move from awareness to acknowledgment, we must first be brave enough to accept the historical truths and modern realities. We can’t shy away from the conversations just because they’re uncomfortable or awkward or unpleasant. We can’t change the subject because issues of racism make us feel bad. Instead, we have to have the hard conversations so we can move to a place of deep lament. To lament means to express sorrow or regret. We have to sit in the sorrow, avoid trying to fix it right away, avoid our attempts to make it all okay. Only then is the pain useful. Only then can it lead us into healing and wisdom.

Healing for our families, our friends, our communities, our cities, and country won't take place overnight. It has been and continues to be a long road. We’ve been here before, yet we can't just move on. But we can move forward. 

The work needs to be done, faithfully and thoroughly. 

But there is hope. There is a future worth fighting for.

If you, like me, are a white Christian struggling to find your voice or know actionable items to embrace in this fight, pause, breathe in humility, and lament. Don't let social pressure distract you from listening to the Spirit and what He has for you.

He won't lead you astray. 

And at the end of the day, we have our fighting orders. They're the prophet Micah's words, echoing over social media of late,

Love mercy. Act humbly. Do justice.

If you're reading and hearing perspectives, which I hope you continue to do, here are the pieces that have challenged and encouraged me. 

articles, Blog Posts, & Videos

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